


The Mark Watney Syllabus

by TheBigBlackHat



Category: The Martian (2015)
Genre: 6000 Ways to Cook a Potato, ARES:live, Chemolithotropic Detection Explained, Humor, Make a Bathtub with an RTG, metafic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 04:24:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5613829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBigBlackHat/pseuds/TheBigBlackHat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Internet thinks the "Mark Watney Syllabus" should be a thing. Mark thinks that it's a much better idea than a lot of the book deals he's been offered, and decides to go for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mark Watney Syllabus

The Mark Watney Syllabus

 

by Mark Watney  
with contributions from CDR Melissa Lewis, Rick Martinez, Dr. Chris Beck, Alex Vogel, and Beth Johanssen

 

Dedication

This book is dedicated to many people: to my amazing, loving parents, to the incredible crew of ARES III and all the miracle workers at NASA, JPL, and the CNSA, and lastly, to everyone here on Earth who lived with me on Mars. I may have been 139 odd million miles from Home, but thanks to you I wasn't alone. You fucking rock.

 

Table of Contents

I. Basics to Martian Terraforming 1-20

\- Bacteria Cultivation (a.k.a. How to Farm in Your Own Shit) 1

\- Water Supply (a.k.a. How to Nearly Blow Yourself Up) 7

\- Proper Lighting and Climate (a.k.a. Great for Your Pores) 13

\- Efficient Crop Management (a.k.a. Don't Throw Out Your Back) 16

\- Multiple Harvest and Plantings (a.k.a. Fucking HAB) 18

 

II. Your Essential Martian Lifehacks 21-42

\- Make Yourself a Bathtub (For When You Do Throw Out Your Back) 21

\- Duct-Tape Your Way to Success 27

\- Basic Engineering (How to Fuck with the Stuff Keeping You Alive) 33

\- So __________ Broke... 38

 

III. Potato "Cookbook" 43-68

\- Potato Cannon 43

\- Potato Grenade 45

\- Powering Electronics With Potatoes 49

\- Potatoes in Sustainable Agriculture and Ranching 51

\- What NOT to do with a Potato (a.k.a. Cook and Eat It) 60

 

IV. The Entertainment Complex on Mars 69-89

\- How to Survive Endless Disco 69

\- Top 20 Least-Hated Disco Songs 73

\- Easy Experiments for Your Spare Time 74

Dr. Chris Beck Explains Chemolithotrophic Detection 85

 

V. Awesome Science for the Little Martians 91-104

\- Build a Potato Clock 91

\- Do Plants Grow Better Listening to Disco? 94

\- Plot Your Journey to the MAV 97

\- Construct an EVA suit 98

\- Grow Your Food: Windowsill Plants 100

\- Send Messages with Pathfinder 103

VI. ARES III: In Their Own Words 104-131

\- CDR Melissa Lewis 104

\- Rick Martinez 108

\- Dr. Chris Beck 111

\- Alex Vogel 115

\- Beth Johanssen 118

\- Mark Watney 123

VII. Favorite Sites: In Depth 133-168

\- Watney's Experiment and Research Data 133

\- Watney Vlogs 135

\- CrashCourse: Mars 137

\- The Fourth World: News Blog 138

\- Watney Watch CNN 139

\- ARES:archive 141

\- Empowerm(ove)ent: Promoting Diversity in STEM Fields 142

\- CuriUS: Starting Low-Cost Science Programs for U.S. Schools 146

\- Peace Corps 150

\- Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation 155

 

VIII. Acknowledgements 169

 

IX. About the Author 173

 

About the Author: Mark Watney is a former NASA astronaut. He served on the ARES III mission as a botanist and mechanical engineer. He is most famous for surviving over a year alone on Mars. During this time, Mark colonized Mars, became a space pirate, and ate many, many potatoes. Mark's situation drew worldwide attention and support: some 1.5 billion people around the globe watched the successful ARES III rescue attempt on May 6, 2037. Upon his return to Earth, Mark was honored with many awards, including the Nobel Prize for Chemistry and the Presidential Medal for Science for his research and colonization efforts on Mars. Mark currently teaches training courses in the astronaut candidate program at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. He decided to write this book as a way of expressing his continued thanks for the worldwide support he has received, and also because he mentioned the idea once in a vlog and thought it would be cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Idea for the Mark Watney Syllabus is taken from Ares 3:Chem Cam video in the ARES:live archive on YouTube. Sorry for some of the format errors; spent 30 minutes messing around with it and couldn't fix it to save my life.


End file.
